YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW EASY IT IS

by Matthew Ivanoff

[This audio drama is designed to be experienced from your own home.]

NARRATOR

This project was developed and recorded in Guelph, Ontario, which lies on Treaty 3 Territory and is the ancestral home of the Annishnabek and the Mississaguas of the Credit Nation. Land acknowledgements have become integral to many Canadian spaces in recent years – implemented to recognize our colonial history and normalize the language and conversations necessary for growth and reconciliation in Canada. I believe it’s preferable for these acknowledgments to tie directly to the piece being performed and to our lives, not just as a routine that we come to ignore, like safety instructions before a flight. To not come as a precursor to a work, separate from it. / But the following audio-scape is a satire. While most topics can be viewed with a satirical lens, reconciliation, and recognition of systematic issues within Indigenous communities should be illustrated with care and openness. / I feel very fortunate to live on this land and would like to mention a few organizations located within the Guelph and Kitchener-Waterloo area that support outreach for Indigenous peoples. The Southwest Ontario Aboriginal Health Access Centre focuses on wellbeing for First Nations, Inuit and Métis people and provides services including traditional healing and clinical care. With locations in Guelph and Kitchener, Anishnabeg Outreach offers a number of different programs, centered around healing. Land Back Camp is a Two-Spirit and queer/trans group that organizes events and projects around the Kitchener region. / These organizations do important work and deserve to be shared widely to help as many people as possible.  

Transition sounds to audio drama – the sounds of clicking through hyperlinks, false-starts of video-tutorials and advert, eventually landing on a bright, bold theme tune.

My friends, today I am going to help you out. I am going to do you a favor, I am going to teach you how to make an easy breakfast, a cheap lunch, and a delicious dinner, every day, so you can eat your best, feel your best, and be your best.  But first, who am I? Who am I, Damien Da-Verci, to teach you, with all your culinary gifts, how to make an omelette [om-lay]? Well, I, Damien Da-Verci, have studied foods all over the world, from Toronto, Ontario to London, Ontario. I have worked around the corner from three former Michelin star restaurants and have served meals to thousands of fairly adequately satisfied customers. I know what works, and what does not work for every budget out there, including yours.  

So, we are going to start off today with your easy breakfast, a French omelette [om-heh-let]. An omelette [uh-moh-lay] du francois. But before that, we need to make sure that we’re organized, we’re clean, we’re prepared for this dish. I have my kitchen professionally cleaned every morning before I wake up to ensure that these meals are made as quickly, efficiently, and as tasty as possible. I have seared into my brain exactly where every ingredient, dish, every grain of salt is in my kitchen, and you should too. This is what is known as the “mise [My-zz] en place”, and must begin with the important task of pantry layout. It takes a little more effort, but once you know where everything in your kitchen is, you will know who you need to be when you put my signature apron on (currently 50% off if purchased with Ethereum. Now in my online store at damedaverci.com). 

So, Are you organized? Good! Remember, a dirty space is a dirty mind, so you must be diligent about keeping clutter to an absolute minimum. As it would be in a professional kitchen! Obviously, you likely won’t have all the right gear just yet – but give it time, patience, and keep following my no-fail patent-pending Kitchen King Kinesthetic Routine and you’ll be moving through menus at light speed in no-time.

Before we dive into our kitchen routine let’s give those arms a little shake – go ahead, no one’s watching – that’s right, make them nice and loose, flex the wrists – great! you’re a natural! Now imagine a big clock face in front of you – an analogue clock face. Now, reach up to the number ten, up up up like you’re reaching to your top cabinet. Now, bring it down to 5 o’clock – remember to bend from the knees! – aaaand let’s shift it on up to 2 o’clock! – you’re good at this! – jeez, who’s teaching who here!? And back down to 7 o’clock. Eggcellent. Feel ready? Then let’s go!

First, reach to your top left cabinet and grab the stand mixer. It is a bit heavy but if you are anything like me, and you should be, you are already up at 4 o’clock every morning with a premade protein shake, and a gym to run to, so it should be no problem. If you don’t have a stand-mixer, feel free to use a large whisk instead. You’ll be missing out on the consistency we want and a tad of the nutritional value and taste, but you will still technically have an omelette [Em-il-eat]. Got the mixer? Good. We are almost ready to start. Beneath your feet, open the cabinet housing your bowls. Take two medium sized bowls, clean and clear, and place them next to the stand mixer.  Now, go into your egg-fridge and reach for the large, organic Turkey eggs. I find the best chicken eggs come from Turkey, so take the chicken eggs from Turkey that came in this morning’s shipment – make sure to carefully move the Dodo eggs to the side as they are very fragile — and use your right hand to pick three eggs and crack them open individually. Not two, not four. An omelette [om-let-tee] made with any more or less than three eggs can scarcely be called an omelette [um-lot] at all!

complicated egg cracking sound

Easy. Now, separate the whites and yolks into your pristine bowls. It should sound a little something like this.

Movement and dish sounds

[RECORD sounds of Damien messing things up]

 We’re going to let these eggs sit in the open air at 23.4 degrees celsius for a few moments so in the meantime feel free to walk around your house or apartment,

Movement sounds

Go to the front door window, open the shades, and let the sunlight wash over your kitchen. Ground your feet on the hardwood floors, feel the heat radiating from them, and take a deep breath before returning to your separated eggs…

deep exhale sound

 We’re out of time for today, but in the next episode we will go on the journey of crafting our omelette [oh-me-letty]. The next episode should be out early next week, so until then, keep those eggs a-breathing! 

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